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Friday, 19 December 2003
12:49 - tetris and beer
interesting day, really tired, so i'll explain more after some sleep.
Posted by theflyinjew
at 12:50 AM EST
Wednesday, 17 December 2003
11:14pm - A pretty average day, as average days go.
today I did absoloutly NOTHING.
well, that's a lie. I wrote a bit for toomanychairshots.com. cactus chris (the sites founder) and I hope to make the site into somthing people actually visit once in a while. I hope it happens, but I seriously doubt it will. I have a bad habit of starting projects and never coming through with them, or the ones I feel determined to complete usually are destroyed by some other means out of my control. heh, hows that for dreams and aspirations? I feel that without your hopes and dreams fo the future, you have nothing but each other in life, and considering I don't have that many people, I find my hopes of a better future one of the only reasons I wake up in the morning sometimes. I feel that no matter how bad things may be, there is an entire life ahead of you, and hell, you never know, things may improve. that's why i think suicide is a cowards method to dealing with problems.
I've tried suicide twice, and both times felt incredibly guilty afterwards, and pretty damn happy it didnt work. both times were from swallowing alot of pills. the first time was when I was living with my mother for the last time. we had one of our famous fights and she called my father to come get me again. in one hand I wanted to go back. I had a life there(well here if you think about it). but on the other hand I had built a life for myself where I lived. I believed that one of those lives was goign to end tha tnight, but I didnt know which one to choose. I didn't want to choose.
in the end I ended up vomiting the pills up and goign to sleep. in the morning my father never came, and I lived the life I had at the time a little while longer. things ha worked themselves out.
the second time wasnt really my doing. I had taken alot of caffiene pills and other things, both swallowing them and snotring them, and had been drinking and smoking alot of pot. when things settled down I found myself alone in the room, stil wasted, but feeling very very afraid and alone. and I wanted to die. I realized I was crying and jsut kinda laid there until I fell asleep. the next day I had a helluva hangover, but I was mostly vomiting half dissolved pills. that day I decided I was never going ot take pills for anyhitng, even for headaches.
I stuck with that policy through alot, and a few month later I decided to try taking some of those cough medecin capsules that make you trip. I took the entire bottle liek I was suppsed to. funny thign was, somebody ate them before hand and repalced them with 300mg ibuprofin pills. I ate all fifteen of them. of course that raised a panic and I ahd to puke it all up, and that reinforced my no pills policy. it was kinda nice ot see my sister tryinh so hard to keep me form dying that night. i'm still not sure if it was because she cared truly, or because she didnt wanna go to jail, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless.
that's it for tonight, more storytime tomorrow.
Posted by theflyinjew
at 11:48 PM EST
2:05am - What a terrible night to have a curse.
woke up feeling very sick today (or yesterday actually). and then from there I had to go straight to work. school is such a pain in the ass. I feel as if everyhting is piling up on me and I'm having trouble dealing with it all. I got all this school work, money troubles, family troubles, living troubles, relationship troubles. the list jsut goes on and on. this may seem like average teen stuff to anyone reding it, but it isn't average to me. I'm so tired. of everyhting. I just wish I could have some sort of release from it all.
I had a long talk with my friends kyle and elan tonight, and it didn't do much to allieveate the situation. kyle feels as if I need to have some pride in my life, but what can I have pride in? I gave up on the whole pride thing. I think im giving up on the whole caring thing in general. when I moved back in wiht my father's family I cared. I had pride in my family. I did waht I could to help out and be a part of them, and for all my hard work I was rewarded with a kick out the door, a product of my stepmother's doing. ever since then i've been struggling. ive taken a nonchalant attitude to keep my sanity. my sister often argues wiht me because of my carefree attitude. she thinks I dont give a shit aobut anyhting. how could I tell her its simply a defense mechanism? but how could I give a shit when there isnt a shit given over me? anytime I've cared it's jsut gotten me screwed over in the long run. ironically, my sister is one of the very few people I really care about anymore.
I care deeply for my friend elan, but she still ahs strong feelings for her ex boyfriend. I think she will only get hurt in the long run if she stays attached to him, but she is stil in love wiht him, and you cant jsut fall out of love. is it slefish of me to get involved? regardless of my feelings, I jsut dont want to see her hurt. im just so mixed up sometimes. I don't know what to do or say, so instead I say nothing, but that's no better. it's ahrd for me to be open with people. she is one of the few people I feel I can be truly open with. I can tlak to her for hours. she truly is a wonderful person. I hope she sees that in herself.
Posted by theflyinjew
at 2:19 AM EST
Tuesday, 16 December 2003
DECEMBER 16th 2003 1:33 am: THE FIRST ENTRY
I got the idea to do an online journal after talking with my friend elan. I realize I have alot more on my mind than I realize, and maybe putting it all down on paper (or HTML :) )will help me be less stressed all the time, although I feel there is no substitute to talking to somebody.
Expect alot of rambling on and alot of my opinions, should you choose to continue to read this, for try as I might, I admit to not being a very organized person and sometimes I go off on tangents.
I will try to update this whenever I can, which I hope to be daily (probably around this time every night) but don't count on it, hell, you could expect there to be days, or even weeks where there is no sign of life, or I could update more than once a day, depending on my mood at the time.
but for now I need to get some sleep. I guess I'll officially start tomorrow...
Aren't I just a sexy bitch?
Posted by theflyinjew
at 1:41 AM EST
Updated: Tuesday, 16 December 2003 1:51 AM EST
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